can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize