Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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