I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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