Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
