I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize