Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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