If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
