What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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