just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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