Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
