I wish my penis had an off switch
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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