You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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