wakey wakey hands off snakey
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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