when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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