I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
