i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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