Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
