I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize