I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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