My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
