Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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