i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize