Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
