i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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