I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Randomize
