I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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