Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
