I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
