I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
