I think I died a long time ago.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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