Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
