OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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