My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
