Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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