you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
