I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
