I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
