Can i not drive my cunt home
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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