I wish my penis had an off switch
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
