Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
