i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
