Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize