He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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