totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
