Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize