Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
