Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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