I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
