Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
