so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
