A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
