He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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