Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
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