You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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