i wish my penis had a tongue
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
