my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
