He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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