So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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