so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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