so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
