I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
