I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
