I think i peed on brittanys purse
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
