wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i was born a porn star she said
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
